No Filler

We gain and we lose and vice versa and whatever. That’s change. That’s just the concept by which time acquires definition. Energy collected and transformed and released and collected again.

We are "this" because we are no longer "that". Because the universe has moved on. Because everything occurs in this fateful transition. Between seconds, between people. Between then and now. Between now and whatever comes after.

We aren't just moments scattered far and wide across space and time. It’s only our fragmented memory-sense that makes it seem so. We aren't individual photographs. We aren't 24 film frames per second.

We are every event of our lives and everything that happens in between. There is no filler. Then, now and when whatever comes after: we are this...

...and this is everything.

So Near Yet So Far...

With the nearness in time, I stood aloof. Peering through the multitudes, hoping and wishing... Yet as time passes and each riposte breaking both the latter, I find myself repudiating all optimism...

Some things are best left unsaid, some actions are best forgotten. Yet in this craziness, I hopelessly hope. Only to find myself getting less marred as immunological resistance built up along the endless balk. Perhaps we have run out of fate. Perhaps it was never meant to be... For so many times, we are so near yet so far...

The closest I could ever be with her, is to be at the same place at the same time, but she doesn’t knows I'm there...

And it’s killing me...

Crestfallen

Crestfallen, heart’s asunder... In the twilight of every passing day, I try to remove a piece of love in me by breaking down my vessel with fatigue. Until every fibre of my being is freed of emotions, and ache becomes but a dominant sensation.

Pain is but a condition, forlornness is just another ineffectual consciousness. Brokened is what sums it all...

Shattered against radio-shadows. Dead planets and specks of stardust loomed titanic through lensed distance and incalculable perspective streaming in light years. Washed out by sun flares and electromagnetic radiation, any remains were nipped at by gravity wells. A failing fragmented signal. Some final dates unanswered. Some past promises unfulfilled. Now lost forever in the chasm of universal facade.

Everything is taking a turn... Gyrating down the spirals of fate...

I just hope to see her again, at the other end...

Anticipation

A heart half filled, half emptied yet brimming with anticipation. It makes the mind go mad, and logic senseless. As I lose grip to realities and perspectives, my mind plays back the fond memories. As I try to feign indolence, the worst came... I would rather feel pain once and for all and let my heart vanish in the void of emptiness than suffer such incandescent anticipation...

Yet time and again, hope refills like a free flow night at the bar, only to evanescent at the heat of each morning sun. Expunging from my system are the unrealistic dreams, unfulfilled expectations, fantasized thoughts and many other beautiful things. I want to find a way to forget it all, to revert back to being a loveless soul. A soul devoid of love and emotions, at least it felt better that way... At least time passes faster... At least I could sleep...

But somehow I wanted an answer or a closure...

Is it love? Or is it just pure infatuation?

I can’t decide anymore...

Festivities...

First there is Christmas

I think more people kill themselves at Christmas time. It’s something to do with fluctuating end of year profit margins and the ironic loneliness of high density living in a culture of strangers and social affectation. The rising costs of expectations and the presents within...

Like how Thierry de la Villehuchet had committed suicide amidst the Madoff scam, like how phone calls to lifelines sky rocketed around this period and anti depressions are a hit among stores this season.

Christmas is not as joyous as we see it to be...

Then comes the New Year

In the midst of creating new resolutions we dissolve our previous ones in procrastination. We decided to achieve this on the first of January, but it was never done by the 31 of December. We write the right things but done the others, we inject our sense of optimism in, even though hard facts tell us another.

Year after year, we rinse and repeat, in hopes of realising our beatific resolutions. And year after year, we fail spectacularly once and again, and again... And again...

In this new year shuffle of numeric distortions, I’ve decided to stop resolution-ing and just live my life as it takes. Just like how she came as a surprise into my loveless void. I’ve decided to use the “one step at a time” approach this year round...

I’ve decided to just live and let love...