A Dandelion's Life

How close are we in this ever expanding universe? How much self do we preserve at the eventuality of all things? At the end of the day, how much do you remember me?

We are like a dandelion’s life, ever flowing with the winds of change. Scattered across the many other places and people are the remnant pappus floating in their minds. We stay and play a part, even in the slightest instance. And as time went by, lest we forget, we keep them in pictures called memories… However overtaken by the circumstances that engulf the greater change in self, we will still remember everything that’s past a certain point in time…

And as I look back in time with her, it’s all coming back to me… The small and big things, even though the distance separates, the wind brought her back… With these pappus of serenity still runs deep within me, I can’t forget her…

Fallen

Fallen hopes and sculpted angels, vacillating between the incarnate and fey ones… Thru thy smoldered reprise, fragmented thoughts lie beneath each moment in time. Each pieces smaller and somber, expanding into a vast nebulous of brevity.

As the world oscillates akin to my thoughts of you, is your world turning towards me? Or has I cease to exist… Your signals no longer spark of interest, your voice has long ebbed away in this noised recollection. As time flows away, so do you… You seemed like a reverie, a beautiful dream, and as such dreams, maybe it’s time for me to wake up…

Whatever has happened I do not know, but whatever has yet to happen, it’s coming clear. It’s just that your indifference is killing me ever so softly….

People

As I see stories unfold, revelations past beyond my point of vicarious definition. Broken ties and severed relationships, only to form new ones and blossom like the change of a new season.

People come and go along this journey of life. Some stayed on, some moved on, and the closest we will ever have is our family. Yet in this yearn for happiness, mine has betide… Even if it did, it never lasted long enough.

In this world where everyone loves a happy ending, there’s not one… For life never ends, until you stop breathing…

And I held my breath…

I hope you wait...

We all live in disparate moments, separated by the now and then, the this and that. In this gap of vacuous serenity lie just the memories of us. We are all connected someway, somehow and in this ever changing world, how much will you change?

As I fought against time, I hope you wait. For waiting is all I need you to do. I could comprehend the forlornness, and if you ever doubt my heart, just remember that it’s always been with you ever since the day I left…

I can’t wait for time to pass me by, to finally see you again. For I’ve decided to wait for you no matter how long it takes...

If you left today, I would walk an eternal spiral until I found you again. And if you changed your name, I would fall in love anew with whoever you became.

All I Need Is Your Voice

In this distance we separate again. In this place where nothing about you ever lingers, photographs are what kept my heart alive. Even as your smell evanescence along with the wind, even as your voice fades into the noise of the crowded streets. Each night before I sleep, I see you, I saw us… And that’s what keeps me going…

Today I finally hear you again. Even if it’s in the slightest moments, your voice just brought me closer back to you. I want to feel that everyday, but I know that time is not a luxury to you… At least not for now… I just need to hear you, to aver your existence, to reaffirm that you are not a dream, and that we are real.

To love is to give unconditionally, without any reciprocation, without any gratitude. And I will keep on giving as long as I’m still breathing.

And as long as you don’t break this heart of mine…

Forgiveness

I exist in a state of oxymoronic aesthesia - finding beauty in the juxtaposition of conflicting thoughts and forms, enraptured by the implicit poetry of literal improbabilities.

Stemming the tide of the humanist convulsion. The hemorrhage of reason and thoughts amidst the torrential emotion; anger. Actions misconstrued, words irreparable, bonds broken, unremedied mistakes floating about like an endless nightmare… Just as time cleansed us of our follies and sins, the revelation of the inexorable truth lays bare.

It takes strength to forgive just as it takes strength to say “I Love You.”

I believe everything should have a closure, an end, especially relationships...

Yes, even broken ones…

A Breather

The requiem of time sung by the ticks and tocks. Am I closer to who I am to become, or further from who I want to be? Will fate close the gaps of uncertainty or bring me to another state of fluency? I ponder...

I came back in search of answers, but only to find more questions... Irrelevancy struck in accord with the spurious mind. Eventuality is never what one imagined, but one precedes. In this temporal reunion, I’ve only wanted one thing and nothing more... I just wanted your time, but that seems to be the hardest thing to ask for...

Time makes the heart grow fonder... It happened to me... But did it happened to you? I wonder...

I need a breather... I need to escape from here and there... To escape to a place where nothing ever matters.

And that place, is when I stare right into your eyes...

The Strangers

In these choices I make, and the paths we invariably crossed. I got acquainted with the strangers I once passed by. The degree of separation amidst the density of population, succumbing to the flinch of mere coincidence or the perpetual work of fate; I exist…

Across the billions of statistical possibilities, across the continents that bind the Earth into one, yet in this quiescent vicinity we decree. Where lines of destinies intertwine, crossing paths in various directions, we subsist along the subsets of fate. Meeting and knowing the various characters that will change our lives forever.

At the shores of the dream to another world, you are the very reason for me to stay. The anchor of my soul to this very place I called, home…

I’m coming back…

That Call

As each day passes, I find myself getting closer to seeing you. Yet with each second, I find us drifting further apart. In this hectic rota ensuing our lives, we spoke lesser. Everyday I thought of calling you, yet time and again, you’re never around.

In this solitude of an eternal linger, nights like these just made me think of many things… In this melancholic silence, I waited every night for that call. And every time the phone doesn’t ring…

I know it’s you not calling me.

Dreams

Things remembered amidst the space between slumber, things forgotten when one is awake. Where the deepest laters of memories become the outmost layers of memories that in turn become the outmost layers of one's dreams.

Which is reality? Which are illusions? One cannot tell amidst the languor upon an awakening. Yet in this lassitude are remnants of the past dreams and memories.

Or perhaps they are: At the same time, both truth and fiction.

A vast nebulous with no boundaries... An emptiness equivalent to my own existence. I dreamt such a dream... A never ending dream... And in this dream I saw you…

I saw us.

Solo

Solo

A singular entity mimicking the flow of time, in a constant drag against relativity. All thoughts and form, coagulates into a stream of endless circumvolve. A depiction of time in it’s endless dilemma, ticking into moments of trajection atop the numbered face. And as time unwinds… The Earth begins shifting…

Shift

Reflections of self, shadowed against the planes of life. What we see is not what we get… As we shift along the sands of time, we grow into a different perspective. Some shadows larger than ourselves, some conquered by our dislocation, yet they are all conjured by our own thoughts and imagination. No matter how taunting our past might silhouette against the now, it’s all upon the shift of ourself to conquer the then… As life fades to cessation, all that’s left are just two colours. White and black.

Two

The amount of movements at any one time. A dual plate against the balance of everything equal. But there is no egalitarianism… In this double edged sword of humanity, ideology separate us. But dreams and anguish bring us together. We are all just pushed into the circumstances that evolve along the prior and latter.

Push

Moving through the salient seas, against the waves that push us back. We build bridges only to cross them and burn them behind us eventually, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered. We are here not because we choose to, but because of the limited choices we are given…

And it ended…

I Miss Her

I’m beginning to take things as they come, paginating each day and thoughts upon the leaves of expired time. As I pined for her on a daily basis, the only solace I could seek, was the photos of our past. Frozen bits of time, thawing at each reminisce. Conversations and messages, archived at the vicissitudes of various conjectures.

There’s so much I want to know, so much I want to say. But amidst the distortion of time and space, the closest we could ever be, was through the sonant quaver of digital remoteness surmised within the span of an hour, or less... Sequestered by the vast expanse of distance in kilo miles yet connected by just a few numbers.

Echoes of her resound in my head… Dreams of her brought me closer to where I once was and where I will be, and as our last touch still tingle at my fingertips. Rekindling the sparks of every single moment… I see her again… I just hope she remembers them like I do.

A hundred thousand miles away, how can I let her know that I missed her more than any words could ably say…

My Remedy

In this life, we connect. However briefly, however fleeting. Across thoughts and various other forms. We remembered each other through the songs that bind our memories together… Time became our test on fate, and distance the strength of our faith.

At times I get back to my room and closed the door, unsure of myself, unsure of what to do, unsure if my decision to leave is even logical. Amidst these incessant questionings, I falter. Along the chain of thoughts, giving up has became a real option… But every week, she gave me strength; she says it will be over real soon and that each passing day marks a day closer when we will finally meet again.

Every week, I would seek solace on this day…, When I could finally hear her voice again… For she is the remedy to my soul, to save me from all these madness and caliginous thoughts…

Deathology

Is the ideology of death itself, and each of us believe in different deaths... But most religions state that there will be this higher cognizance after life, and that we will transcend to another realm, freed from pain and the seven sins. I’ve always believe in this soul anecdote... I’ve dreamt about such a place, and the realism of it strikes me deeper than anything...

Especially when someone or something around my sphere of influence needs to define it, in someway or another. Everyone of us have a set of ideology on death, clouted by the the proliferation of information. Even as we are literally dying ater 20, we each hold a different perception of death… Be it a pet, a friend or a family member… At times we thought we are prepared to face it, but we aren’t… We are never prepared to lose anyone or anything, in whatever form death might come.

I’m not that morbid as this entry sounds… It’s just that death is just a process. And like happiness. It’s never about the end, but the journey that matters.

We are going to die anyways...

A Photo From The Heart

I gave her my sights, my heart, my everything. In this place where coincidence could never occur, I could only make it happen. And in this accuracy of time, I got her where the zone of 2 continents collide.

Under the same moon we gaze, beside the window we sat. Yet in a different country we exist, the closest we could ever be, is only through the radiowaves of an eternal reverberation. As her voice touches me upon the quaint remembrance of subtlety, I felt right at home again… As I share with her the sights of my journey, I sent her a photo that meant something to me…

A photograph is a secret about a secret, it is a thought in a story; an eternal memory. And the more it tells you, the less you know. And in this secret between us, is a message from me to her that’s worth more than a thousand words… Perhaps she could never comprehend, but when she sees it, I know she will smile… Because it’s a message that’s only meant to be felt...

I Read You

Your hurts and worries - carefully framed and angled against the light, that the shadows might spill just so. Your happiness and laughter written out in vivacious discourse, buoyant and sanguine.

Your anger, sharp and jagged against the page. Clinical observations and heated opinions. Brazen revelations and coy confessions.

Your disappointment, deep along the oceanic trench. Where even a diver like me could never venture let alone comprehend.

I read you in these things. In these thoughts you share. I read you and I guess - for guessing is all I have. Like trying to reverse engineer every raindrop in a hurricane - to discern the glorious colour of the butterfly's beating wings.

I read and arrogantly imagine I have some sense of you. However remote. However imperfectly perceived. However distorted by language and distance, by your inscrutable aspects and my implicitly flawed assumptions.

I read and I believe that the quintessential part of you that extends out here into your facebook and those other places where our lives ever so briefly touch - is knowable. Is something real on its own terms and however you choose to define it.

I’m not addressing your problems, because I don't really know them. But I know you - and you are wonderful. Broken and wound down at the bottom of a pool but still totally wonderful.

You’ll pull through this and all else. I’m sure of that. You’ll preserve when you need to and let go when you have to. And you don't need to hear any of this, I know.

But maybe I just needed to say it.

The Distance Between

Miles and continents apart, across the seas and sands that separate, lies the ligature of a mutual need that bound us together… Through the space between the time lapses of a geographical distortion, we managed to find each other in the midst of a thousand waves.

Connected through fiber optic wires and a wireless correlation, our thoughts collide. With each word, she grows closer to me. Yet with each thought I miss her more than ever.  In this gap between my heart and reality, is a sacrifice I must endure… A pain that’s so acrimoniously acute - yet saccharinity runs through it, like the very blood that flows through me.

No matter how subtle, how vague. I’ll be reminded of her as she is of me…  For the distance between people is not measured by how far they are from you, but how close they are in your heart…

Away

I surmise time is but a measurement of our presence, a measurement of other’s presence, and a measurement for all things present. Be it a thing or people, relationships or animals, it somehow changes all of them in one way or another. To good or bad, from present continuous to past tense, they all change in time - Eventually into the irrevocability of conclusion and full stop… Yet in this trajectory change of no return, are the things we fail to see and realize…

Though the evanescence of time has brought me to accept this twist of fate, I find it a blessing instead. Freed from the heartstrings chaining me to this place, I’ve decided to seek a new life somewhere. Away from my friends, away from the succor of my comfort bubble, I’ve decided to move to a place where no one knows me… A place where I will start with a clean slate, a place where I will never lope into agonizing things like memories. That is until before I met her…

Anchored by the affections that bind us, I can’t confess my sentiments to her due to my moral conscience. I want to be selfish, but I can’t… Because she is the best thing that has happened to me.

This saccharine taste of love… These moments between the now and then. In this silence between the distance and universe, in this momentary lull in the speck of a thousand glimmer. I’m telling you that “I Love You” in silent consonants…

You can’t hear it – But it’s there…

A Week Before Departure

A decision solemnly decrees; a ripple effect extends through the future. Opening up new doors and closing some. In a path I now regret in modest, time became the only thing that could attest my resolve.

Nothing is a constant in this capricious fate. In the strings of sentimental baggage I left behind, the heaviest lies in this new found affection. I try to check them in, one at a time, only to find that some remained unsent, and some could never be sent... In all these mixed sentiments, I’ve decided to just let everything fall into place when the time comes...

In this twist of fate, I’m besotted. Within the span of dates, I’m infatuated. Though I’m leaving soon... I know I could sleep better after knowing her. For I now have dreams, instead of nightmares...

Envy

A moment in time; a lost confession. At the end of everything lies nothing but cupidity. Barren of all hopes and thoughts, I still linger around the gates of sanguinity. In an attempt to open the gate, I only found more locks instead...

The irrationality of a thing or emotion is not an argument against its existence, but rather a condition of it. Yet in this ever losing battle for coherence, I find myself biased against what I want to feel from what my mind tells me. In this war between logic and intuition, analysis and feelings, I have lost control in choice.

I no longer judge as impartial as I did. I no longer exercise fairness. I no longer seemed to have any more common sense...

Envy is a sin, I plead guilty for...

No Filler

We gain and we lose and vice versa and whatever. That’s change. That’s just the concept by which time acquires definition. Energy collected and transformed and released and collected again.

We are "this" because we are no longer "that". Because the universe has moved on. Because everything occurs in this fateful transition. Between seconds, between people. Between then and now. Between now and whatever comes after.

We aren't just moments scattered far and wide across space and time. It’s only our fragmented memory-sense that makes it seem so. We aren't individual photographs. We aren't 24 film frames per second.

We are every event of our lives and everything that happens in between. There is no filler. Then, now and when whatever comes after: we are this...

...and this is everything.

So Near Yet So Far...

With the nearness in time, I stood aloof. Peering through the multitudes, hoping and wishing... Yet as time passes and each riposte breaking both the latter, I find myself repudiating all optimism...

Some things are best left unsaid, some actions are best forgotten. Yet in this craziness, I hopelessly hope. Only to find myself getting less marred as immunological resistance built up along the endless balk. Perhaps we have run out of fate. Perhaps it was never meant to be... For so many times, we are so near yet so far...

The closest I could ever be with her, is to be at the same place at the same time, but she doesn’t knows I'm there...

And it’s killing me...

Crestfallen

Crestfallen, heart’s asunder... In the twilight of every passing day, I try to remove a piece of love in me by breaking down my vessel with fatigue. Until every fibre of my being is freed of emotions, and ache becomes but a dominant sensation.

Pain is but a condition, forlornness is just another ineffectual consciousness. Brokened is what sums it all...

Shattered against radio-shadows. Dead planets and specks of stardust loomed titanic through lensed distance and incalculable perspective streaming in light years. Washed out by sun flares and electromagnetic radiation, any remains were nipped at by gravity wells. A failing fragmented signal. Some final dates unanswered. Some past promises unfulfilled. Now lost forever in the chasm of universal facade.

Everything is taking a turn... Gyrating down the spirals of fate...

I just hope to see her again, at the other end...

Anticipation

A heart half filled, half emptied yet brimming with anticipation. It makes the mind go mad, and logic senseless. As I lose grip to realities and perspectives, my mind plays back the fond memories. As I try to feign indolence, the worst came... I would rather feel pain once and for all and let my heart vanish in the void of emptiness than suffer such incandescent anticipation...

Yet time and again, hope refills like a free flow night at the bar, only to evanescent at the heat of each morning sun. Expunging from my system are the unrealistic dreams, unfulfilled expectations, fantasized thoughts and many other beautiful things. I want to find a way to forget it all, to revert back to being a loveless soul. A soul devoid of love and emotions, at least it felt better that way... At least time passes faster... At least I could sleep...

But somehow I wanted an answer or a closure...

Is it love? Or is it just pure infatuation?

I can’t decide anymore...

Festivities...

First there is Christmas

I think more people kill themselves at Christmas time. It’s something to do with fluctuating end of year profit margins and the ironic loneliness of high density living in a culture of strangers and social affectation. The rising costs of expectations and the presents within...

Like how Thierry de la Villehuchet had committed suicide amidst the Madoff scam, like how phone calls to lifelines sky rocketed around this period and anti depressions are a hit among stores this season.

Christmas is not as joyous as we see it to be...

Then comes the New Year

In the midst of creating new resolutions we dissolve our previous ones in procrastination. We decided to achieve this on the first of January, but it was never done by the 31 of December. We write the right things but done the others, we inject our sense of optimism in, even though hard facts tell us another.

Year after year, we rinse and repeat, in hopes of realising our beatific resolutions. And year after year, we fail spectacularly once and again, and again... And again...

In this new year shuffle of numeric distortions, I’ve decided to stop resolution-ing and just live my life as it takes. Just like how she came as a surprise into my loveless void. I’ve decided to use the “one step at a time” approach this year round...

I’ve decided to just live and let love...