I was wrong

It’s that time of the year again. A time when customary offerings are entangled in this merry ambiance. When consumerism betwixt the embodiment of love and reciprocation. As I assumed every year would be the same again, that tidal relationships do not extend beyond places I could never reach. I was wrong…

I thought a platonic connection would far endure the ravages of time. I thought that you will be there perpetually, and that all those conjectures and mindless thoughts are just a cat and mouse games for others in our sphere of influence. I was wrong again…

You are just like them… And I hate it. I hate why in this myriad cliques of strangers, you are not different. I hate how you extend deep into me, only to let it all go… That your conviction with this bond we share has faltered

I hate and miss you altogether at the same time…

This Line Between Us

Imagine relationships as threads and strings, it runs down your bed, through your door, to your car, to the city and through all the people that encapsulate your daily habitual customaries. It brings you to places, to memories, to feelings you thought you’ve never felt before.

These strings weave and wove, forging relationships and anything along these heartstrings… With each thread pulled, our heart spins like a spool, twining out trust and a piece of ourselves with each circumvolution. The more we spun, the more we reveal our inner self, till we are able to find someone who could see the whites of our spools, someone who will eventually venture into our inner recesses. Even though we know at some point these strings will snap, we kept weaving. Searching of that someone whom we can face with no reserves. Someone whom we will truly open up to… And in between we colour the lives of others and ours as we became the seamstress of our own destiny.

And when the time comes, we either find that person or lose them altogether… Though the threads of fate have severed, but what ever has been woven in my heart remains. As we tied the knots to the end of our relationship, I know it will never be the same again.

Cause and Effect

As lightning tears across the casted skies, the heavens cried… Mourning my loss and filling this void in between… As this ache in my heart swells with each torrential pour I found myself driving in circles. Like a boat with no sail and rudder, I lost all sense of direction.

Somehow I just can’t accept the fact that she’s gone from my life. Just a few days ago, we were still the best of friends, and days after it all crumbled down like a house of cards. Maybe it’s fated, maybe it’s providence, maybe it’s just never meant to be…

In her vivacious discourse, lies anger and resentment… There is no redemption, no excuse, no forgiveness… All that’s left is just acceptance…

Cause and effect… That’s how the world works… If only I could have more control over the cause…

Losing a Best Friend

It’s amazing how the heartstrings between one another could turn the world of each other upside down... That deafening silence, cutting through this vessel of mine, each stab piercing nearer to the edges of my heart… I’ve felt this familiar sensation before, that pain and ache so close to making me become heartless again. So that’s how it feels to lose a best friend… It feels so much like the same of losing a loved one…

That unsettledness within me grew with each passing moment… Maybe she’s just a dream, just a pebble in this river of time from where I have been swept. Just as this stream of fate intertwine our lives, it tore us apart. In this eventuality, even a friendship couldn’t withstand the ravages of time. For it just takes one wrong to lose someone so important in my life…

Even if I’ll become nothing to her, I will still remember her… For she’s always here in my heart. I’ve made a promise… A promise to her, that I will become just a nobody. Just as how we’ve started from nothing… For that is the last thing I could do, as a friend…

As these echoes of emptiness resounded within me… I know my life will change without her here. In my life…

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul… Then my soul must have been flooded with tears of pain and regrets…

Non Existant

Sometimes, I feel like I would disappear the instant I close my eyes. The feeling that I’ve turn into someone that even I don’t recognize. Someone so small, so lost.

All these traces of loneliness, I tried to conceal in a smile. All these lies that made me falter… It’s just me losing my self slowly… I chose to come here, a cage which I’ve locked myself into. And now there’s no escape, no redemption. A meaningless struggle in this conscious subsistence, I’ve left all that’s left of me. As time seeps the life out with each breath I take, all that’s left is this tinge of melancholy.

Amidst this drop of time that ran dry, are the lies I’ve torn apart. What’s left is this shroud of darkness engulfing me… This thin world of darkness… Like I would just be forgotten… Like I’ve never existed.

If Only...

If only I hadn’t loved before, I wouldn’t be so miserable. If only love doesn’t exist, I would have been happier. If only…

More often in life, we end up regretting the chances in life that we had, but didn’t take. Than those chances we took and wished we hadn’t. In this life of cross roads, there are no traffic lights, no directional lane, just empty junctions. We just move with the motion, in this sententious subsistence, we just keep moving, turning when our instincts tell us to. And sometimes you just get stuck in this round about…

I find that when my mind is riveted with work, I began to think of these senseless thoughts less. Thoughts that have no impact nor reason to who and what I am today. Thoughts that are all over this blog. A sacrosanct where little knows me, knew off…

If only there’s no love, I would probably be the happiest man alive. Or maybe not…

A Beginning

Everything seemed familiar yet new. New subjects, new classmates, I even got new clothes for this winter’s end.

Everything is new except this foreboding stint of emptiness… Maybe everything is not that new afterall…

Here I am again, lost in the light of the moon that tears the dark into day. Gleaming across the horizon is a place I called home, a place 8000 miles away. Bathed in grey, the walls of my memory divide the thoughts from the past. I am just in between this cabalistic world, just a shadow casted by these walls of truth… I languish in this world of grey, waiting for something or someone to colour it, or I could just stay at this stop and wait for things to fade to black.

I’m not anywhere near the beginning… For a ‘beginning’ is just a state of mind, a valence of a pseudo cognition.

Change

I’m always amazed at how the human condition changes… Perhaps that’s why I am so keen in finance and marketing. The idea of how people define themselves never fails to escape me. There are times we thought seclusion were best, and at times company heralds. But there is never a superlative form of existence, because we change.

Is it the fear of loneliness that causes us to search for those we’ve lost? Though we could not see their form, we do not give up because we believe. Believing that one day they would come back to us. In our dreams, in our thoughts. In whatever trepid states of despair or inebriation.

No one knows their true selves even though we both lose and gain by embarking on this long, journey. Even though there may be days when loneliness strikes and makes us weep. We should transform those tears and pain to a light like a candle to illuminate our tomorrow.

Farewells may be unavoidable, yet the seasons continue to change obliviously. Even if I lose myself, I will continue to walk… That’s the one thing I’d like, never change.

Estranged

Estranged in this world lies a foreign man, a man who knows not even in the slightest heartbeat that he’s alive. As the muses guide his soul in life, time became nothing more than mere tickings of the clock. For he lives not in the present but in the past that had long forsaken him…

Yet in these memories he held ever so tightly, they just tears him apart with each waking. Like a broken recorder, snippets of past plays vividly in his mind, sometimes with the oddments of other imageries he conjured.

Though tears would form, he knows better that such despondency is just superfluous. For he’s just waiting, waiting for that right person to come. That person who would make him step forward again…

Or maybe he will never move again…

Lest I Forget

At some point in life, we start to doubt the sincerity of people, we start to doubt fate and all the good things that happened. Maybe it’s the venal concept of evolution and the doctrine of cause and effect in it’s finest. Or maybe we just grew more skeptical in this Darwinian evolution.

Forgotten is the word, in a reverie spawned by one’s self fulfilling prophecy. In this congregation full of life and people, I felt this stint of emptiness overcoming… Everyone has a story, and I always thought mine was larger than theirs. But we are all no different from one another, not in any sense nor notion, not in any way nor another. Beneath our skin we each belong to a separate universe, a void in our human condition that encompasses all our emotions… Emotions such as grief, anger and happiness. And as each universe collides, we feel this tenderness of emotion in different forms and magnitude.

We are just lost souls in pain, looking for someone or something to numb the ache. Though I’ve never told you this, but I’m here because I want to forget you…

Still In Pieces

Are we strangers in this space? Reaching out for a dream unknown… Wrapped in mysteries, we walked down this winding road. Stranded in places we hold so dear, afraid of all the new tribulations that has yet to unfold. Yet many of us pressed on to find the eventual happiness and ever afters.

Even after so long, I still yearn for a life that never would be, a life that’s a distant so past away. Did I actually move on, or am I still a stone in this river of time? I know she has moved on… Everyone has… Except me.

I thought leaving everything behind is a consign to oblivion, that giving up is also a way of loving you… Still… I miss your kiss, your mischievous smile, I miss your warm embrace, and all the things you did to make me complete… After so many years, I still can’t believe that you are no longer here in my arms…

Broken and still in pieces, I am no better than I am, when I started all these writings… and I thought, I should just keep on writing…

This Moment

Reminiscing the past and the present that is yet to evanesce, 3 disparate people stuck in different dimensions of emptiness, each so distant yet synonymous. Then it struck me…

Why do I fall for women who are not possibly any good for me?

As a matter of fact, all the girls I fell for are pretty wild… They were free and uninhibited… It was like having a mythical creature to myself, someone so wild that could not be tamed but admired. Like a hunter on a tag and release basis, I could never hold onto love. In this world that shades of grey, love is not red, not for me…

And in this venture of finding a vessel for my heart, I found only pain and regrets. But however broken I may be, I have to move on… There is no room for selfness, no room for weakness, not in this world, not at this moment…

Soul Symphony

You remind me of love, a picturesque name in all it’s beauty, the apotheosis of an angel in which even your alias define. Till it all ends in an apostrophe, I should never even attempt to apothegm nor even think about how it will even continue…

Time and again, people slips pass my fingers like the sands of time. Long have I last decided upon the concept of singularity, yet in this constant motion of reunion and separations are the familiar strangers in between. Strangers whom I could only name by face and nothing more.

I expect nothing, and that’s how it should be. Because, you’re just a beautiful symphony 5 keys down. You are just another familiar stranger in this effete desert of mine.

I have nothing more to give, thus I shall receive nothing…

Emptied

I’ve been playing a lot lately in a bid to forget about the past. To create a diversion in this transition between the then and the now. To try and find an accompaniment to this monophony.

Sometimes we hope to miss someone and in turn missed by that particular somebody. A heartstring tied even till world’s end. With forlornness turned into strength and this strength into a force that persevere even as hopelessness draws near.

Now I have no one to think of anymore. No more love, no more missing someone, no more photographs by my bed stand and no more long distance calling. Maybe it’s better this way, maybe this is what it should have been all along…

Love is just a superfluous emotion in this dense mosaic of human populace.

Never Ending

Why is it like this? A constant of pouring… Where a stream of consciousness becomes a river. Which a river of thoughts impinges a tear. When I’m drowned by the notion of just your name…

I thought it would end, and that my heart would empty. That time will make me stronger with each blow dealt in between. That all the pain would bled off completely. That I would finally feel peace from all these precarious relationships.

Instead of this never ending…

Sad

So much has happened over this chapter in life. The pages short, but the contents divine. Like a book you could never stop but to keep on reading to the end. Now that all is said and done, I could finally put my heart to rest. For I don’t know if I were to ever love again.

As time evanesce like the evaporating tears I cried, I know it’s time to let go… These feeble emotions that weakens and distract me, these broken thoughts and things within me… They shouldn’t be here. Because some things are never meant to be…

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times people call this man cold when he is only sad.

The Longest Night

I never thought a broken heart could still feel so much pain… As time abates the life out of me, a second at a moment, I begin to fall apart. Everything now made sense…

A part of me died, while another part of me understood her choice. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t hurt as bad… But still, a broken heart should just remain brokened… Like a broken mirror, the more you try to piece them together, the more cuts you get…

Sleepless nights and endless sorrow, a soul inveigle into believing that love still exists was killed by its own reverie. For it should have never loved again… Because without surmising the thought of a happy ending, it will never be contused again.