Non Existant

Sometimes, I feel like I would disappear the instant I close my eyes. The feeling that I’ve turn into someone that even I don’t recognize. Someone so small, so lost.

All these traces of loneliness, I tried to conceal in a smile. All these lies that made me falter… It’s just me losing my self slowly… I chose to come here, a cage which I’ve locked myself into. And now there’s no escape, no redemption. A meaningless struggle in this conscious subsistence, I’ve left all that’s left of me. As time seeps the life out with each breath I take, all that’s left is this tinge of melancholy.

Amidst this drop of time that ran dry, are the lies I’ve torn apart. What’s left is this shroud of darkness engulfing me… This thin world of darkness… Like I would just be forgotten… Like I’ve never existed.

If Only...

If only I hadn’t loved before, I wouldn’t be so miserable. If only love doesn’t exist, I would have been happier. If only…

More often in life, we end up regretting the chances in life that we had, but didn’t take. Than those chances we took and wished we hadn’t. In this life of cross roads, there are no traffic lights, no directional lane, just empty junctions. We just move with the motion, in this sententious subsistence, we just keep moving, turning when our instincts tell us to. And sometimes you just get stuck in this round about…

I find that when my mind is riveted with work, I began to think of these senseless thoughts less. Thoughts that have no impact nor reason to who and what I am today. Thoughts that are all over this blog. A sacrosanct where little knows me, knew off…

If only there’s no love, I would probably be the happiest man alive. Or maybe not…

A Beginning

Everything seemed familiar yet new. New subjects, new classmates, I even got new clothes for this winter’s end.

Everything is new except this foreboding stint of emptiness… Maybe everything is not that new afterall…

Here I am again, lost in the light of the moon that tears the dark into day. Gleaming across the horizon is a place I called home, a place 8000 miles away. Bathed in grey, the walls of my memory divide the thoughts from the past. I am just in between this cabalistic world, just a shadow casted by these walls of truth… I languish in this world of grey, waiting for something or someone to colour it, or I could just stay at this stop and wait for things to fade to black.

I’m not anywhere near the beginning… For a ‘beginning’ is just a state of mind, a valence of a pseudo cognition.

Change

I’m always amazed at how the human condition changes… Perhaps that’s why I am so keen in finance and marketing. The idea of how people define themselves never fails to escape me. There are times we thought seclusion were best, and at times company heralds. But there is never a superlative form of existence, because we change.

Is it the fear of loneliness that causes us to search for those we’ve lost? Though we could not see their form, we do not give up because we believe. Believing that one day they would come back to us. In our dreams, in our thoughts. In whatever trepid states of despair or inebriation.

No one knows their true selves even though we both lose and gain by embarking on this long, journey. Even though there may be days when loneliness strikes and makes us weep. We should transform those tears and pain to a light like a candle to illuminate our tomorrow.

Farewells may be unavoidable, yet the seasons continue to change obliviously. Even if I lose myself, I will continue to walk… That’s the one thing I’d like, never change.

Estranged

Estranged in this world lies a foreign man, a man who knows not even in the slightest heartbeat that he’s alive. As the muses guide his soul in life, time became nothing more than mere tickings of the clock. For he lives not in the present but in the past that had long forsaken him…

Yet in these memories he held ever so tightly, they just tears him apart with each waking. Like a broken recorder, snippets of past plays vividly in his mind, sometimes with the oddments of other imageries he conjured.

Though tears would form, he knows better that such despondency is just superfluous. For he’s just waiting, waiting for that right person to come. That person who would make him step forward again…

Or maybe he will never move again…

Lest I Forget

At some point in life, we start to doubt the sincerity of people, we start to doubt fate and all the good things that happened. Maybe it’s the venal concept of evolution and the doctrine of cause and effect in it’s finest. Or maybe we just grew more skeptical in this Darwinian evolution.

Forgotten is the word, in a reverie spawned by one’s self fulfilling prophecy. In this congregation full of life and people, I felt this stint of emptiness overcoming… Everyone has a story, and I always thought mine was larger than theirs. But we are all no different from one another, not in any sense nor notion, not in any way nor another. Beneath our skin we each belong to a separate universe, a void in our human condition that encompasses all our emotions… Emotions such as grief, anger and happiness. And as each universe collides, we feel this tenderness of emotion in different forms and magnitude.

We are just lost souls in pain, looking for someone or something to numb the ache. Though I’ve never told you this, but I’m here because I want to forget you…

Still In Pieces

Are we strangers in this space? Reaching out for a dream unknown… Wrapped in mysteries, we walked down this winding road. Stranded in places we hold so dear, afraid of all the new tribulations that has yet to unfold. Yet many of us pressed on to find the eventual happiness and ever afters.

Even after so long, I still yearn for a life that never would be, a life that’s a distant so past away. Did I actually move on, or am I still a stone in this river of time? I know she has moved on… Everyone has… Except me.

I thought leaving everything behind is a consign to oblivion, that giving up is also a way of loving you… Still… I miss your kiss, your mischievous smile, I miss your warm embrace, and all the things you did to make me complete… After so many years, I still can’t believe that you are no longer here in my arms…

Broken and still in pieces, I am no better than I am, when I started all these writings… and I thought, I should just keep on writing…