Happily Ever After

I love romantic movies even though I have this weird pavlovian response to tear upon them. A 6 month to a year journey condensed into a 2 hour story. A depiction of our lives in different aspects and angles framed against perfect people. Some stories reminds me of the times I had and will never have, some filled me with possibilities of another romance. And when the credits roll it filled my loveless life with some light, some hope. Like how an ending will always have a snippet of the happily ever after…

But time after time, movie after movies, this tinge of melancholy never leaves me. Like this grey line between the black and white, between your once yes and nos. As my heart and soul let you go, and as the places changed and the world moved on. I tried to detach you from the very fibre of my being… I know I could never forget you completely, but I still try.

I shouldn’t be paving the present with pain from the past as I have to let you go. Because I know you will be living happily ever after with him.

And that’s where the credits of our story roll…

Photography

Behind this lense, I see people in different shades of light. Emotions and feelings burnish through the expressions on every picture. People whom I’ve never met or knew, I stopped them in my memory, and eventually in this digital space of eternity. Intrigued by their momentary action, I closed my shutter and froze these images in my mind, in my camera.

In this masquerade of the human condition, I see people in moments they least expect, a moment, behind this camera of mine. As the 7 colours of light epitomize the 7 facets of the human condition. I put them together, one ray at a time. Hoping someday to find the perfect combination for myself.

In each picture, I connect to a different perspective. And as I decipher the different views of each individual, I began to understand them. Their feelings, their reasons, the very essence of why I wanted them to be part of my life and me, a part of their memories.

Photography is not just about keeping memories, but defining them in a way by showing others what I’ve seen. That’s why a picture’s worth a thousand words.

New Year Resolution

It’s that time of the year again. When pyrotechnics resets the count back to 0, and we just reiterate what we’ve done year after year. We count another 365 days before all these get rehashed again… We rinse and repeat and then write the same resolutions to each new year with mendacity…

Every year is like an elevator ride… We move on, up and down, between places both new and old. Hoping for new things to happen, waiting to make a difference… But at each floor, we somehow already knew what to expect. That with each level stopped, we gained and lost some people. Some exit; only to come back again, some just left the building; never to be seen again.

Yet in this constant traverse between the ups and downs, between the strangers and familiar people I see in and out. There are times I kept pressing the next floor button in this psychosomatic belief that by doing so, time will move faster.

By then I had became so absorbed in this process I fail to appreciate the things these people have said and done. Until this banal process is over, do I remember a bit of everyone. But by then they are gone…

I’m tired of resolutions, I’m tired of things I’ve said but never will do. But every year, I still make these superfluous assumptions, that somehow or another, I will be assiduous. In this cycle of constant reverberation, I’ve decided to cherish whoever and whatever I have… Not because a bird in hand is worth 2 in the bushes.

But because I never know, when I will lose them…

I was wrong

It’s that time of the year again. A time when customary offerings are entangled in this merry ambiance. When consumerism betwixt the embodiment of love and reciprocation. As I assumed every year would be the same again, that tidal relationships do not extend beyond places I could never reach. I was wrong…

I thought a platonic connection would far endure the ravages of time. I thought that you will be there perpetually, and that all those conjectures and mindless thoughts are just a cat and mouse games for others in our sphere of influence. I was wrong again…

You are just like them… And I hate it. I hate why in this myriad cliques of strangers, you are not different. I hate how you extend deep into me, only to let it all go… That your conviction with this bond we share has faltered

I hate and miss you altogether at the same time…

This Line Between Us

Imagine relationships as threads and strings, it runs down your bed, through your door, to your car, to the city and through all the people that encapsulate your daily habitual customaries. It brings you to places, to memories, to feelings you thought you’ve never felt before.

These strings weave and wove, forging relationships and anything along these heartstrings… With each thread pulled, our heart spins like a spool, twining out trust and a piece of ourselves with each circumvolution. The more we spun, the more we reveal our inner self, till we are able to find someone who could see the whites of our spools, someone who will eventually venture into our inner recesses. Even though we know at some point these strings will snap, we kept weaving. Searching of that someone whom we can face with no reserves. Someone whom we will truly open up to… And in between we colour the lives of others and ours as we became the seamstress of our own destiny.

And when the time comes, we either find that person or lose them altogether… Though the threads of fate have severed, but what ever has been woven in my heart remains. As we tied the knots to the end of our relationship, I know it will never be the same again.

Cause and Effect

As lightning tears across the casted skies, the heavens cried… Mourning my loss and filling this void in between… As this ache in my heart swells with each torrential pour I found myself driving in circles. Like a boat with no sail and rudder, I lost all sense of direction.

Somehow I just can’t accept the fact that she’s gone from my life. Just a few days ago, we were still the best of friends, and days after it all crumbled down like a house of cards. Maybe it’s fated, maybe it’s providence, maybe it’s just never meant to be…

In her vivacious discourse, lies anger and resentment… There is no redemption, no excuse, no forgiveness… All that’s left is just acceptance…

Cause and effect… That’s how the world works… If only I could have more control over the cause…

Losing a Best Friend

It’s amazing how the heartstrings between one another could turn the world of each other upside down... That deafening silence, cutting through this vessel of mine, each stab piercing nearer to the edges of my heart… I’ve felt this familiar sensation before, that pain and ache so close to making me become heartless again. So that’s how it feels to lose a best friend… It feels so much like the same of losing a loved one…

That unsettledness within me grew with each passing moment… Maybe she’s just a dream, just a pebble in this river of time from where I have been swept. Just as this stream of fate intertwine our lives, it tore us apart. In this eventuality, even a friendship couldn’t withstand the ravages of time. For it just takes one wrong to lose someone so important in my life…

Even if I’ll become nothing to her, I will still remember her… For she’s always here in my heart. I’ve made a promise… A promise to her, that I will become just a nobody. Just as how we’ve started from nothing… For that is the last thing I could do, as a friend…

As these echoes of emptiness resounded within me… I know my life will change without her here. In my life…

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul… Then my soul must have been flooded with tears of pain and regrets…